If you read about gaslighting, and you’re a half-decent human being, you may think you never gaslight. But if you are in a position of authority, unless you are careful, you do it all of the time.
As a junior engineer, you can ask a question, but as a senior architect, every issue is loaded. The person on the other side has a very different model for what is going on.
Authority implicitly changes every question.
Let’s take my favorite – “What do you think about my idea, X?”
The person on the receiving end is going to feel gaslit. If the big cheese is asking the question, and you say, “No,” does that end your career? And if you say “Yes,” and it turns out to be a bad idea, does that end your career? And is the big cheese asking your opinion or is he trying to get information about you and your boss?
You are pretending that they have an opinion when they don’t. It’s like asking someone,” Do you think I am fat?”
The other favorite is the” can we do this crazy idea alpha?” The person on the other side has no idea how to respond. If it’s an unfortunate but not damaging idea, the right thing may be to say yes and hope the big boss forgets what you said. If it’s a bad idea and dangerous idea, then you have to argue with the boss. And that sounds fun, but if the boss is committed to their concept, you became a naysayer. And can find yourself trying to keep your role and job.
As a leader, when you propose a solution to the problem, the debate has implicitly ended. And if the idea is a bad one, people are trying to figure out how to understand a bad idea. And thinking about a bad idea feels like your brain is being attacked, that your ability to think is being targetted.
What to do? The right thing to do as a boss is to frame the problem and ask for solutions, not propose them. Or, if you have a solution in mind, phrase it differently.
Instead of” what do you think about idea x,” a person in authority says,” I have thought a lot about this idea that I intend to implement, and I am trying to get a few more perspectives. I would love it if I could run it by you to see if I missed anything and to get your view.”
No longer is the person in authority faking a level of equality that does not exist. Instead, they are telling the truth. And the truth is they don’t care what that other person thinks, but they are interested in knowing if they forgot or missed anything.
But what if the person in authority is frustrated that they can’t get honest feedback? What if they feel that their subordinates are unnecessarily frightened? What if they do want to be challenged and are not?
It must be the spinelessness of their subordinates.
Nope.
It’s not the other’s fault; it’s the boss’ fault. For example, have they created an inclusive environment? If someone objects do they get attacked? Etc.
In a corporate environment gaslighting occurs when the boss pretends your opinion matters, but it doesn’t. Gaslighting occurs when the person in charge acts like they want to hear someone’s opinion, but don’t. Gaslighting occurs when the leader says every idea is on the table, but it isn’t. Gaslighting occurs when the decision-maker says that they will consider every idea reasonably and only attack every suggestion that they don’t agree with.
Learning how not to gaslight, and I am first among equals of those who have to improve, is a critical part of being a technology leader.
Leave a Reply